Monday, March 31, 2008

Steen & Jea's Excellent Adventure

Monday, March 31, 2008
Current mood:hyphy

Recap: Ms. Swan "you only get-a one-a free cookie."
Letting G take us all the way to BFE
Demetria hooking it UP!
Scrapers & Thizzing
Sinus blocking cologne
Salty Margaritas
My elevator not having a 6th floor
Joe...he doesn’t take requests, he sells pianos.
G’s shower shots to both of our heads
’From Elegant to Elephant" (fatter than a muh-fukka!)
"Mama used to say ’don’t you rush the ghetto!’"
Using your hand or sleeve when you sneeze
"Lady Boy"
Going to ’shoe jail’ at the airport after setting off the ’too sexy’ wand (the old brotha agreed...Jea is hiding WMD’s.)
Cookies that I smuggled in my pocket...and the Milanos, Pirates Booty, 18’’ pizza, medium cheese pizza, tiramisu, salad and wings that followed.
Me trying coffee & Jamba Juice and STILL being stopped up!
Wallet getting left in the room...
G’s music review, causing us to do 30 and catch EVERY yellow light
"Ass" and "Titties"
"602" was the SPOT!
Joanne’s right across the street!
"CAKE" and his mixed friend "Marble"
Jea's Madagascar jacket.
What it do! (What it DON’T do!)
H.A.M. having all that carry-on and nothing to wash his ass with!
Y can get in to all the illest weddings in his uniform!
Partying like rockstars!
Waking up at 2 a.m. and thinking we accidentally bought adult flicks
Y sending Jea a picture of a cat (your turn!)
"What do you call a mermaid in a koi pond? The other woman."
Our girl Erin & our boy Juan @ Goosecross (aka J.G.!)
Taking bets on who looked like they’d close the bathroom door!
G’s suitcase was bigger than ours...but missing ALL of the essentials.
"Black Man & Asian Lady" & sexy chocolate at the flea market (I don’t want fleas!)
And the man with the purple toe.
Arguing with Tanisha over squirrels ("That is NOT a squirrel, cuz this dude said it was a Chipmunk and squirrels have fluffy brown tails.")
Discovering that you’re Ovo-Intolerant (PRICELESS!)

Sunday, March 16, 2008

A Horny Manuel

Sunday, March 16, 2008
Current mood: tired

Why am I up blogging at 3:00 am? I’ll tell you why. Because I broke one of my rules. If you know me, I typically turn my phone to silent by 10:30 every night. I don’t want any late night bad news calls waking me, or random people with the wrong number calling. Once my sleep is interrupted it’s very difficult for me to return. So, last night I fell asleep with my phone on vibrate and, in all places, under my pillow. I fell asleep, looking forward to the possibility of sleeping 10 hours if I wanted. Ah, an uninterrupted slumber. Snoring away all the week’s stress and strain (half-wit coworkers, looney Myspace stalkers, fucking reverend’s, etc.) and waking up late Saturday morning refreshed and rejuvenated, just in time for my pedicure. But, alas my dreams (literally) came to a halt when I received a 2:00 am phone call. I woke up startled, heart beating fast, not knowing what the hell was going on. I looked up at he television that was still playing to see a serial killer in an orange jumpsuit being interviewed on MSNBC (I don’t like to watch sleep friendly programs before bed. I’ve gotta work on that.) My phone vibrated again and I looked at the caller ID to see a (323) number. My sweetie doesn’t live in (323) so whoever this is better be in serious peril. I mumbled "hello" and the person hung up! So, I called right back. You woke me AND hung up on me? Naw son...

Caller: (high pitched Spanish accent) "Hello?"

Me: "Who is this?"

Caller: (in a high pitched Spanish accent) "Manuel?" (it sounded like a question)

Me: (mumbles) "Fucking Manuel." (hangs up)

So, now I’m awake, upset because my slumber has been disturbed by a horny high-pitched Manuel in the (323). Doesn’t this bastard have anyone he can bootycall in his own damn area code?! I got up to use the bathroom, irritated and startled. By now my phone is on silent like it should’ve been before I went to sleep. I went to plug the phone into the charger & noticed that I had a new voicemail. It was from my horny little Hispanic friend. I’m thinking "this will be rich. I’ve got to listen to this."

Voice Message: "My bad, I dialed the wrong number. Christine, this is Bondi. But damn, when you called back I was, you know...I wasn’t trying to get you in trouble or nothing. I don’t know what your situation is, but I accidentally called your number by mistake. This is my new cell phone number. But, uh anyway if you don’t remember who I am that’s cool too. But, uh you know...just be easy sweetie, it’s not that serious over a phone call out of the blue at 2:00 in the morning. You don’t need to go that hard. So just relax, everything’s ok. I hope everything’s ok with you. Um, seems like you’re stressed out about a lot, but whatever. Take care of yourself."

Oooooh, child! You know I called this fool back ready to give him the ’fuck you reverend" treatment. Um, and why the fake accent homeboy? See, last November (the 1st weekend of November to be exact) I went out with a girlfriend of mine to Garden of Eden (a club in L.A.) I’d had a couple of drinks and was feeling festive. I started chatting with this dude (about what I can’t remember...I just said I’d had a few drinks!) and I gave him my number. Dude called me like the next day. (Isn’t there like a phone number grace period or something?) I didn’t answer. He called again the day after that. I didn’t answer. And he proceeded to blow up my spot. So, even if I wanted to talk to him, I didn’t want to anymore. Too desperado! Over the next few weeks he calls...and calls...and calls. I talked to my bff about the excessiveness. My complaint was about them either ignoring you or blowing you up, and wanting a happy medium. Me personally, if I happen to meet someone out & we exchange numbers I will call them once...maybe twice. But if they don’t answer or call back I give up. If they want to link, they know where to find me. I’m not sweating a stranger (even though I was looking FIYA that night, so I kinda understand. LOL!) The day before Thanksgiving he called me from his job. And again from his cell. I actually answered this time. This was the 1st time we’d talked since the night we met. It was brief, I was cordial. It was Thanksgiving...I was on my way to South Coast Plaza to do a little pre-holiday shopping so I was feeling nice. Maybe this gave him false hope, because on Thanksgiving, he called me twice. And sent me a text. Called me at late as 10 something that night. Mind you, each time he calls he leaves a voicemail. Over the holidays he called a handful of times, each time still leaving voicemail. So, fast forward to this morning. I saw this dude once in my life 4 months ago. He has a new phone and my number somehow made the transfer? Why are you accidentally calling someone you met ONCE 4 months ago AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING?! And when you get a sleepy, groggy voice you think I’m stressed out?! How about just apologizing for waking me. Better yet, how about NOT CALLING ME! I sent him a text since his new voicemail box isn’t set up saying "stressed out about a lot? u woke me @ 2am. please delete my number. thx."

Yo, fellas. There are certain rules about late night calls. You can not invite yourself into late night callville. You have to be invited. Anything past 10:00 without prior consent is unacceptable. (This has been a Public Service Announcement.) If this fool calls me back EVER, sweddagawd he’s getting it. Please pray for him y’all. In my world, NO ONE is exempt from getting cussed out. Equal opportunity up in here!

His number is (323) 401-9587. Feel free to call him anytime in your best faux foreign accent.