Thursday, November 8, 2007

Women Are ANIMALS!

I just returned from the launch of Roberto Cavalli's line for H & M. It was NUCKING FUTS! I've had the launch marked on my calendar for at least 6 months. I mean, like in my work Outlook with a reminder. And in my phone (just like when Louboutin came to OC on 10/13.) And on my wall calendar (I'm old school…I still buy those.) I moved jobs 3 months ago, added it to the new Outlook. Woke up Tuesday morning in a cold sweat because I dreamt that I missed the launch. It was THAT effing serious. And I've had my eye on one particular item. It's this gorgeous flowing chiffon leopard-print gown. I could picture myself in it. I'd walk into an event wearing that dress and angels would start singing (*cue fans & smoke machine*). Just kidding…but I wanted that dress pretty effing bad.

I planned my attack. I called around to H & M stores yesterday to find out who was carrying the line and what time they'd open today. I discovered that there was only ONE effing store in all of O.C. carrying the line. And it's this little tiny store at South Coast Plaza just across from Bloomies. Already I'm mentally prepared to bumrush that spot with my cat-like reflexes, grabbing dresses and high stepping broads like the dude on the Heisman Trophy, just before doing a tuck and roll & landing on my feet in line. But alas, my dreams were crushed at 10:38 a.m. this morning. The store opened at 10:00. People had been in line since 4:00 am!!!! As I pulled up in the parking lot, I saw women coming out of the mall with bags & bags...and bags. NEVER a good sign.

When I practically power-walked into the mall & when I entered H & M it was a madhouse. The only clothing left was that on the mannequins (which, BTW was not for sale!!!!!!!!!!) !!!!! Sorry, needed more exclamation marks for that one. Women were clutching piles of dresses, scarves, jeans, bras, jewelry ANYTHING Cavalli, not giving a damn about sizes or anything. One lady was guarding a pile of Cavalli in a corner. She looked like she might be able to throw down so I didn't test her. So here I am with a few other late birds (AKA "folks with jobs") stuck with nothing. My first instinct was to turn around and leave but I'd waited so long for this day I thought I'd stick it out in the "Go Back" line.

The "Go Back" line is comprised of people who are waiting for others to go in and try on Cavalli and if the clothes don't fit, they go back to the floor. I mean, desperation times 50! I can't remember when I last felt so desperate and pitiful. I'm waiting in a line hoping that someone will try something on, not like it, and it would also happen to be something that I'd want…and that fits me. But I waited, and waited…and waited. No one tried on shit! Well, one chick was trying on a zebra print mini that some French lady had been STALKING around the store. She stood watch outside of her dressing room a said in her French accent "If theese do not feeet her, she give to meee!" Then Frenchie proceeds to bump my purse about 20 times while peeking around the corner trying to see if the girl was coming out of the dressing room. I finally had to tell her to back up off me. Another chick was trying on practically the entire line (including my leopard dress! Argh! Didn't even look cute on her! Flat booty heffa!) but she held on to everything. With her pussified husband in tow (who was going around with the things that she didn't want, but instead of sending them to go backs was using them to bargain with others in the store.) Yes, HE was exchanging things with other women. "I'll give you this jacket for that dress." I heard him say that. Like StrangĂ© said "Puuuuuuuss-puuuuuss-puuuuuuss!"

After waiting in the GBL for about 20 minutes, I saw from across the sea of bad hair extensions and even worse breast implants a sight to behold. A guy carrying a big black crate full of…Cavalli leggings! I told my new little go back line friend to stay put, hold my spot and I'd go score us some leggings. I got to the tables just as he was dumping out the container and managed to have my pick of sizes. And then…a stampede of women rushed me! I almost lost my life y'all! But I made it out unscathed and with 5 pair of Cavalli leggings. Yay! I took 2 pair back to my little GBL friend and kept 2 for myself. I was going to toss the 5th pair to the lions when I saw another pitiful soul with empty hands (*cue violin*) and gave them to her instead. A little fashion "pay it forward", right? I got right in line to purchase my tights and a girl in front of me gave me a pair of black, white and grey leopard print jeans (score!) So happy now! I didn't get my "angels singing" dress, but I did come out of it with something. Here's the dress. Tell this wouldn't be BANGIN' on Ms. Fox.

This is the 2nd time this week Roberto broke my heart. See this 5" stiletto???!!! 

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