Friday, February 12, 2010

Death To Emo Tweeters

I know that Twitter is the place where people come to overshare. We share what we had for lunch, how bad a co-worker’s breath smells, and even details about body functions (“when did I eat corn?) But lately, I’m noticing an increase of emo tweets, and not just from women. If you’ve been guilty of tweeting any of the following on more than one occasion, please cease & desist effective immediately.

1.  Needy Tweets: “It’s so cold. I wish I had someone to cuddle with. ;(” The same person who tweets this will also get mad when a random follower replies “Hey ma. Want me to come over?” Not the attention you wanted? Welp, you opened that door.
2.  Tweets of Distress: “OMG! I just cut my finger. There’s blood everywhere!” Why are you Tweeting with a bloody finger? Go clean that up! I don’t believe you anyway. But I’m sure a Twitpic that looks like it was taken at a crime scene will soon follow to prove me wrong. “I have a fever of 103. Dizzy...” Ok, if your brain is baking, why are you tweeting? When I’m sick, the last thing on my mind is notifying all of my followers about it in real-time. I can understand tweeting “I’m not feeling well. Going to lay down.” And then actually going to lay down & returning when eggs can no longer be fried on your head. But no one needs constant updates while your face is in a toilet. I’ll never understand this. I’ve seen people Tweet from the hospital. Why are we getting constant updates from your deathbed? I’m not a doctor. I can’t help you! If you want to talk to strangers about your various medical issues, go to a message board on Web MD. I get it...you need constant attention. Get a puppy. Actually, don't. Because then we'll have to hear about him pooping in your shoe. 
3.  Subliminal Tweets: Any Tweet that ends with “you know who you are!” sends me into a tizzy. Why don’t you just take direct shots? Those of us who this is not directed at are now getting hit by stray bullets. Then, God forbid anyone should ask you who or what you’re talking about. The response is either “nobody” or “never mind” or my favorite…no response at all! You threw this out there because you wanted someone to ask. Well, I’m asking. So stop being so damn passive.
4.  Billy Badass Tweets: “I just finished cussing this fool out at the Taco Bell drivethru!” Good for you. I hope you realize he spit in your Enchirito. “I wish this &%$# would call me one more damn time!” Girl, bye. You aint finna do nothin’. Showing Twitter what a badass you are doesn’t make you look like a tough guy. It makes you look like a crazy person with no self control. Chances are, the person this tweet is directed at isn’t even following you on Twitter so why are we being subjected to your threats? Text them that shit, since you’re so hard.
5.   Lovesick Tweets: These are usually shoved down our proverbial throats via some corny ass song lyric. “Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?” I don’t know. But I bet if you were out of air you’d tweet about that too. 
6.  Reaching Out…But Not Really: “I’ve been crying all night. My eyes are swollen. I don’t know how to fix this.” Again, you’re opening the door to questions that you don’t want to answer. You don’t need Twitter. You need a diary. Now, I can totally understand feeling down & hopping on Twitter hoping that a little entertainment will cheer you up. But if your current state can't be described in 140 characters and my timeline is now filled with how “numb” you feel, you need to log off & thaw out.
7.  Rants Nobody Gives A Shit About: Last time I checked, Twitter was a social networking site. It’s kind of hard to be social or network when every other day you’re tweeting about how misunderstood you are and about how little you care about your haters or people who aren’t “real”. “..and if you can’t see that about me then unfollow me cuz I don’t need you in my life!” Twitter isn’t therapy. That’s what blogs are for. And vodka. And Zoloft. You’re limited to 140 characters for a reason. Some of y’all need way less than that.

Here’s a tell tale sign that your followers no longer give a shit about your emo tweets: If you tweet “I just got hit by a car & my leg is hanging on by a tendon” and no one responds, you’ve lost your captive audience. You’ve been annoying all of your followers for some time. Stop crying wolf all the damn time & maybe someone will actually ask you if you’re ok. After all, that is your main objective right? 

15 comments:

  1. Thanks for taking the time to type out what I've been thinking. I'm too lazy to do it myself.

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  2. i feel like i just got put on BLAST yo... LMAO this literally made my co-worker stop dead in his tracks...peep in my office and ask me WTF was so funny. i love you steen LMAO

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  3. "twitter is a place where people come to overshare"

    dont forget passive aggressivness. ie #3 lol

    i hate that shit

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  4. Now if you only wrote an entry titled "death to entertainment industry folks who tweet about bullsh*t all day," the world would be a better place.

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  5. Good thing you JUST started following me or you probably would have put a HIT out on my timeline.
    Nice job at saying what most, even us guilty parties, have thought once, twice, or daily, even while perpetuating the very things we hate.

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  6. @Soul Brother #7 - That entry is coming next! (kidding)

    @Ess - I think we've all been a little emo on occasion (I've done it!) But, there are folks whose timelines are full of woe. This should be forward to them ASAP. :)

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  7. OH. MY. GOD! That is some of the funniest shit I have read in a looooong time! More! More!

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  8. Thank you Melissa! :) That means a lot.

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  9. LOVE this blog. Twitter should include this in their Terms Of Service.

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  10. Thank you for taking the time to write that out. I laughed a few times, looking forward to more of your insights in the future!

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  11. This was great! I'm new to Twitter (a month or so) and I've witnessed all you've described and that's part of the reason I took so long to join! Good thing I have a diary, so I can keep my tweets (generally) "un-emo"

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  12. lol love it, i've pretty much grown out of twitter, it took about 4 or 5 days, but in the rare occasion that i do jump on i suppose i could be either of these lol

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  13. iHeart you for this joint!!! #chuch

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